"'Stop. Just For A Minute And Smile"

So, I haven't really been writing for a while. I was in hospital for three weeks about three weeks ago. Then this week gone, I was in again. Sometimes I think I should just get my own room there!
My Crohn's came back. Pure and simple. Who knew I had this much bad luck and this much pain to go through in just 2 short years.


I always thought that my life would be pretty simple. I would stay on at school, get my highers, go to University, become a teacher, get married, have kids and live a life. Now my day revolves around dragging my ass out of bed. Because sometimes I can't face the day. I wake up every morning and wish to God that maybe I could just sleep until everything is over. Then I get up take my pills, watch television. Phone whoever I need to be in touch with. Then I read or write for a while. I take my afternoon pills, I go for a shower, then I dry my hair, I put on jeans and a t-shirt, I go for a walk by myself, but not before I take as many extra painkillers as I can because by this point I'm in so much pain from the shower that I want to curl up and cry. I go to the back fields behind my house. I just walk in a loop and I cry. I let it out and then I dry my eyes go home, take another painkiller change into jammies and then watch television. My mum comes home from work and I have a little chat, have my dinner time pills, eat as much as I feel I can, then we watch the soaps we bicker a little  then go to bed about half nine, ten which is when I take my night time pills.
Then everything starts again. I would kill to be able to even clean the Frickin house for my mum or lift a kettle without wanting to vomit, or being able to be a real girlfriend/daughter or sister and granddaughter and a friend. I'm fed up with my brother thinking I'm a waste of space, of making my Grandmother cry when she sees me or that my mum is so stressed she doesn't want to get up because she is so worried about me. How is that fair. Who on earth wants to be that person! I don't I don't want that label or that tag. I want to be the girl who can go out and have fun, who is going to make something of her life, who doesn't have to give up on a modelling career because she is some sort of freak.
Everybody says "Things Happen For A Reason" well hello! gimme it. I'm not a role model or anything really. I'm myself who is stuck being this thing i never wanted to be. I never wanted to be ill. Nobody does. I want my life back. I want to take control. But Crohn's seems to control me right now.
I've started my new medication for the Crohns, Adalimumab (Humira) self injections every other week. Wise to stay away from infections and crowded areas. Some side effects are:
"Serious infections. These include TB and infections caused by viruses, fungi, or bacteria. Symptoms related to TB include cough, low-grade fever, weight loss, or loss of body fat and muscle." 
"Allergic Reactions, Hepatitis B virus reactivation in patients that carry the virus in their blood, Nervous system problems, Blood problems, New heart failure or worsening of heart failure you already have,  Immune reactions including a lupus-like syndrome, Psoriasis (new or worsening)"
Nice set of encouraging words isn't it. Makes you feel like this drug is awesome, luckily there is signs that this drug is already working and the crohn's is disappearing. 


This disease has defined who I am for two years. Yeah, its made me stronger and appreciate the life i had. However that's what it was. A life I had, one that I can't get back. I want to go back to the innocence I had and the naivety of the Big Bad World. Back to the days where all I was concerned about was the fact that I may or may not get into University and that I would have to try harder and take the year to study at college. 
Its gone though, It's never coming back. My eyes are well and truly opened to the Big Bad World. and I hope nobody ever has to feel the way I feel right now.I feel lost, broken, empty, hurt, a freak, a disgrace, a drain on society, a nothing, a loser. a failure, and the last one I will tell you. I feel like I'm losing control of who I am and who I used to be. There is more, so much more but I don't want to write any more. You don't need to know that some days I feel worse than that and know all the ins and outs.


What I'm trying to say is. Take a minute out of your day. Even if your with people look around you and smile, and thank god that you don't have crohns, a colostomy bag, or fibromyalgia. Or have any sort of illness and heartache that Leanne and I feel everyday. I know that Leanne feels exactly the same way right now and that she needs her friends and family around her because we both cant take much more disappointment. We need a break and a life. Maybe one Day we will get one. Hopefully soon. But just read the title. A smile from someone you love or just a smile to yourself. Makes a very big difference.


anyway speak soon
alexa
xxxxx